I should start by clarifying the title — I’ve only ever had solo Valentine’s Days, as I’ve been single every single ruddy one of them. However, this was the only Valentine’s Day where I haven’t been painfully aware of my single status and made self-care a priority.
This also serves to elaborate on my previous Project J-Curve post, where things got…rather dark. It marked a changing point, a shift in perspective, and a glaringly obvious need to reevaluate and regroup many aspects of my life.
So? I meticulously planned out Valentine’s Day, something that I knew I would be spending alone for the oh…let’s call it 13th year in a row, seeing as unrequited crushes, short-lived flings, false starts, fake outs, and dumb heartbreaks have been an ongoing and never-ending trend since the age of 10.
The day began with coffee and donuts…wherein I spent 45 minutes in a drive thru line at Krispy Kreme to accomplish this task, as every single person alive was out for those candy heart-shaped donuts, I suppose. Imagine their horror when they rolled up to the window after 45 minutes in line to see the scribbled “SOLD OUT” sign Scotch-taped to the microphone!
Then I came home and accomplished…nothing.
You know what though? Even though I’m drowning in work and am SUPER behind on literally everything? It was one of those days where it just wasn’t going to happen. Then it was off to Holocaust Cinema class…
…You know. For lovers.
Then after that, I was bombarded with love from one of my best friends and her awesome boyfriend, who surprised me with flowers, gifts, cards, a large sign, and a heart-shaped balloon. It was completely unexpected and so incredibly kind! Love these two dearly!
I then went to get a Razzleberry pie from Marie Callendar’s (in keeping with a long-standing tradition from me and my best friend) and a bottle of wine. Then? I saw Isn’t It Romantic, the romantic-comedy satire starring Rebel Wilson. I went in expecting to be met with a mindless, infuriatingly formulaic film, but was actually astounded by the end. Though I felt that largely the film’s best moments were over-utilized by its marketing, it was extremely charming and had a message that was exactly what I needed to hear.
Slight spoiler-warning here– The protagonist realizes that the key to returning to her reality is falling in love with herself first, believing in her abilities, and harnessing her passion. It doesn’t come from the love of a man. Such a simple, oft-repeated trope, yet it can not be overstated enough how much it meant to me to see it right then, right on this day of all days.
I left with a spring in my step and a smile on my face as I went to Olive Garden and picked up my food, then returned home to find a Galentine’s Gift from my best friend who is presently living in Florida, as well as two articles of clothing that I had ordered for myself that is helping me make the slow progress towards the closet of my dreams. I set up my workspace and put on three movies: You’ve Got Mail, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, and (what else?) Bridget Jones’s Diary, which is getting to its very best scene right as I type this out.
As I ate my…cough…nine breadsticks, pasta e fagioli, full bottle of wine and pie, I wrote four letters to four men who I feel I have unresolved business with– the first one to break up with me, the first to break my heart, the latest heartbreak, and one that confuses the hell out of me. I sealed them and locked them away. These are words that might forever be unspoken, but at least they’re out of my heart and into the physical world somewhere.
Tomorrow is a new day. Well, it’s mostly a work day, as I need to seriously buckle down on the next round of my thesis draft writing, but it’s also a day where serious progress begins anew. Self-love is the priority. I’m not ready for anyone else to love me until I love myself truly, fully, unabashedly.
So I’d like to thank my family, friends, Marie Callendar’s, Olive Garden, and Isn’t It Romantic for getting me through what I once snarkily called, “The Worst Day of the Year.” It was hardly that this time.