Less than 10 minutes into Fear the Walking Dead‘s Season 2 finale, AMC made a surprising move and gave us the Pirates of the Caribbean; Dead Men Tell No Tales teaser right away (which might prove pretty ineffective to their ratings, seeing as the teaser immediately went viral once it dropped).
So there it is! The moment I’ve been waiting three years for. Let’s break it down:
- Navy men get my heart a-poundin’…but then I realize my main man, Norrington is not among them. My heart gets real sad.
- We get our first look at Javier Bardem as Captain Salazar. He’s a real icky looking dude with flowy, mermaid hair, bloodshot eyes, and black gunk coming out of his mouth. In desperate need of a makeover.
[Jessica begins to pen letter requesting a Captain Salazar makeover montage a la Clueless or She’s All That]
Side note: Not a fan of the ghost pirate with half a face. Not okay.
- We get our first(ish) look at Will’s son-I mean Will’s son-I mean…Henry. Brenton Thwaites can pass for a teenager. I can dig it. And it’s excellent casting if (when) he turns out to be Will and Elizabeth’s son.
- We see Jack Sparrow! …on paper. Captain Salazar holds up a paper with Jack Sparrow’s likeness on a “Wanted” poster. I’m a bit miffed that we didn’t get to see the scallawag himself, but I can live a few more months without seeing him just yet.
- Salazar gives us some plot clues. He instructs Henry to find Jack and warn him that “death will come straight for him.” So, Will’s son-I mean Henry now has a means by which he will come into contact with Jack, therefore setting up our plot.
- Camera pulls up to the stars as we exit the eye of the Pirates Logo. TOLD Y’ALL. Star navigation is undoubtedly a big part of this plot!
- Dissonant “Yo Ho” song, followed by only the title card, “2017,” and the eerie hashtag, “#APiratesDeathForMe.”
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? Are there troubled waters ahead for Jack? Where is Will going to come into play? Does anyone have any ideas why on Earth Marty is allowed to come back to the crew, but not Pintel, Regetti or Cotton? Why do I care so much? Will we ever know?
All told, I am slightly disappointed that we didn’t get to see Will or Jack in the teaser. Ultimately, it’s the classic characters that will get people in the seats, not new characters. This is evidenced by the disappointed response from fans from the fourth film: When you have a formula that works, don’t change it. Of course, I have previously discussed reasons why said formula had to change in the past, but it doesn’t make the overall effect any different. Hopefully, we can get more press soon, featuring some stills or footage of our favorite pirates in action, and maybe get some more clues as to the rest of the plot.
Until then, me hearties…
…A Pirate’s Death for Me!